I believe that there are no good and bad people, just people, making good and bad choices. When I listened to Dr. Becky Kennedy speak with Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman on his Psychology Podcast, I felt comforted in her approach to parenting. I do not want to ever excuse misbehaviour, and when we shift our mindset to the most generous interpretation (MGI) of why a behaviour occurs, it helps us build empathy for the person who made a mistake, rather than shaming the person or seeing them as the mistake.
MGI is one of many parenting strategies Dr. Becky writes about in her book, Good Inside, and promotes in her teachings through her website, https://www.goodinside.com/. Together with insights relating to boundaries, truth, resilience and repair, Dr. Becky’s teaching on the most generous interpretation helps the modern parent realize their role in this world, and their relationship with their child. We tend to jump to negative conclusions when we see our children misbehave, often rooted in anger, frustration, embarrassment or judgment. One of Dr. Becky’s life hack is to shift that mindset to: How can I interpret this misbehaviour through the most generous lens? It is not in an effort to excuse it, but to understand the root of the problem and to see the person beneath the problem.
This perspective has helped me in moments where my children were having disagreements that escalated into a physical fight. Rather than seeing the situation with a less generous approach, and often a fixed mindset (ie., my children are psychotic and will never learn to communicate), I can use the MGI and think: “It’s hard to share toys and important to learn communication strategies”. It is essential that we see the person beneath the behaviour in order to connect. Only then can we teach, learn, and ultimately help guide better behaviour. Connection before correction.
This mindset shift of seeing humans as good people who have difficult moments is something that I am learning to translate to positive self-talk. I make mistakes. A lot. I’m sure you do, too. I have a beautiful neurological condition that sometimes encourages me to act impulsively, shortsightedly, and excessively. For many people, it is real to struggle with spending, eating, drinking, sex, yelling, procrastinating, or sleeping. When we inevitably falter, and reflect on our shortcomings, our self-talk can be incredibly harsh, and the guilt and shame can eat away at us. We need to see ourselves as good people who are having a hard time, not bad people doing bad things. When we reflect on our choices and errors, it is important that we use the most generous interpretation. I am hurting. I have underlying pain that I need to address. I am sad. I am struggling with this. I am human. I am trying. I can fix this. I will be okay. We need to have empathy for the person inside of us who makes mistakes, just like we need to have empathy for the people around us. We are all human, trying to figure this out.